Mindfulness and Sex


Mindfulness is all the rage these days. Silicone valley CEOs tout it as life changing, mental health experts talk about the important of grounding exercises, actors go on silence retreats for days at a time, churches speak about sitting in the presence of God. Whatever the flavor, I'm sure you've heard about it. And whether you've downloaded the Calm app on your phone or think it's all hogwash, it can be a potent tool in your sex life.

Mindfulness or meditation is most often associated with sitting up crossed legged holding very still, not with the very physical activity of sex. However, one of the biggest obstacles to physical satisfaction in our sexual encounters as moms, is not anything between our legs, but between our ears. Our brains are arguably more important than our clitorises to our being able to orgasm. But stopping all the stuff going on in our heads might seem impossible. What am I cooking for dinner tomorrow, have I a deadline coming up, doesn't school need a form filled out, look at all those stretch marks on my stomach...... This is a very easy way to miss out on what your partner might be doing to you or trying to start. I swear one of the reasons men are so easy to get off is that if they're kissing you they're thinking about sex, while you're thinking about all the laundry you didn't do and should have, or what your friend told you about....... 

This is where mindfulness techniques can be very helpful. They help allow all those thoughts to pass by and for you to then focus on physical sensations. Focus on the tiny hairs being moved as a hand touches your arm, lips on yours, being totally in the moment will help allow you to be present and help with arousal. Listen to your own breathing, your partner's breathing, be aware of where blood is rushing, of the warmth of it, every little thing that is shared between you will help you get out of your grocery list and into your body.  

Even instead of inserting some other sexual fantasy in for your spouse, being mindful and present will help and be better in the long run. Would you want your partner to be thinking of a different situation and/or person when they make love to you? And wouldn't it be better if you were aroused by your spouse? If how you get your mind into a place where it can achieve orgasm is sending it far away from your current reality, that is a place of diminishing returns. It will always have to be something more extreme, or different, and escaping from the real person in front of you who cares about you, can make them fade in importance in your sex life. If the person you're making love to with your eyes closed isn't your partner, then your partner is more easily replaced in some ways.


Start the cycle of having your own reality arouse you, and your thoughts stop spinning like a hamster wheel, by being more mindful during sex and foreplay. And I know this is one of the hardest things in a lot of ways, but being more and more present will help arousal by your partner, which then later turn into easier arousal by your partner. I know that fantasies of Chris Helmsworth/Tim your contractor/guy at the coffee shop, seem like valid short cuts to help you achieve orgasm, but try to play the long game of a long term monogamous relationship (whether you're currently in one, or on the market for one) and aim for real sensations and real moments of connection between you and your partner. And it's totally trendy.